Hello worklifers,
Today, I wanted to explore this idea forward of riding solo and enjoying your tracks? A few of my clients were discussing how lonely they felt at times during the pandemic and especially when they had a conflict at work or life. The pandemic has resulted in diminishing physical connection with co-workers, family, or friends. This makes it so hard to handle conflict situations.
One of my clients was facing a tough situation (each one of us find ourselves there routinely). They were finding it hard to forgive someone for the pain they were experiencing from the thoughts they were having about the other person. They were finding it hard to draw a boundary. Their manual kept coming in the way (of how they expected the other person to behave, or what they should do or behave so that it can make her feel better). With close relationships it becomes hard to forgive at the moment, let go, or reframe, as there is legitimate pain. One has to process and feel through this pain. Now this can take time.
So what does one do when this is taking time. Should one just keep striving to fix the manual or conflict?
This is the opportunity we present ourselves to ride solo and enjoy our own favorite tracks. This is when we can use our fear and pain as a navigation compass to strengthen the relationship we have with ourselves.
Ready to explore this…
When to ride solo?
Finding yourself in conflict or control drama
Riding solo is a solid practice and once cultivated a very powerful one. It can be especially practiced and strengthened when you find yourself caught in a conflict situation or “control drama”. Control drama happens when one person in a relationship tries to exert gain at the expense of the other causing an imbalance in that relationship. A very common situation is that of parent and child at any age. Either one of the two tries to exert gain expecting the other to behave in a certain way. They want their manuals to be followed. They are hurt when any one of them break it. They expect the other to behave a certain way to make them feel better. Most of us have found ourselves there as a parent or a child. Another common situation at work is that with a colleague. Again none of us are trying to cause drama but find ourselves caught into it. Mostly this happens because of assumptions we end of making about how they are going to behave or partner with us on the deliverables. We don’t always end up communicating our expectations clearly and end up feeling hurt when a conflict arises. We may have even tried to people please or have fear come in the way which has resulted in frustration with ourselves. The key here is communication and setting clear expectations and boundaries from a place of love for ourselves and unconditional love for others. But that can take time & while it takes it’s due course you can ride solo.
How to ride solo?
Reminding yourself “You are enough and your best is enough”
Think of a handicap person. How do you feel when you look at them? You accept they have limitations, you have deep empathy for them, and you try to fulfill the need you seek from them through some other way. That person is incapable of fulfilling the need you have at the moment because one of you or both of you are in pain. The first step is to notice the anger and hurt and what is the thought causing it. Just acknowledging this handicap even in yourself and not being completely ready for forgiveness can bring deep empathy for yourself and acceptance for being human. To ride solo, you simply need to remind of yourself of these three simple and empowering thoughts..
- I am worthy as I am (Nothing that I can do more increases my self-worth).
- I am enough. (You are enough. You don’t need anyone else to validate you at the moment).
- I am not afraid of being lonely. (I can use my fear as a navigation compass to love myself and cultivate my originality)
Reminding yourself you are worthy as you are is like taking the car out of the garage. Saying to yourself you are enough is like dusting off the covers and riding to the gas station, filling the gas, and picking up your coffee. I am not afraid of being lonely is about having the self-confidence to play your own favorite track. This is because you know you need to only fulfill your potential, and as long as you remain true to your calling and always do your best to fulfill your purpose you don’t need to expect anything else from someone. They too can ride in their own car while you do it. You can meet at gas stations and checkpoints and enjoy a chat and or a coffee and hop back in your own cars. Just because you carpool at times doesn’t mean you have lost your own navigation or confidence. Fear of riding alone doesn’t have to take away our own originality. In fact, if anything it is a moment to cultivate it and make it more beautiful and powerful. It’s so easy to get tangled up with the idea of trying to be the best – the best parent, the best employee, the best child, or best friend. If we try to be the best, we run the risk of short-circuiting our originality because we are striving to fit our tracks into someone else’s playlist or looking to play our own tracks. In order to try and change someone else’s thoughts and get them to see your perspective keeps us stuck.
Letting go of the tendency to hold ourselves up to other people’s standards, and letting go of the belief that we need to compete and win or be right, doesn’t mean we don’t believe in doing the best job we can or showing up in our best way. We always strive to do our best, because when we do we create a life free of regret, knowing we have performed to the best of our ability. This allows us to feel great personal satisfaction in all of our efforts, gives us to the confidence to drive solo, regardless of how others perceive it.
How to play your favorite track?
“Cultivating an intentional practice to deepen loving yourself”
Playing your favorite track while riding solo is about learning to enjoy yourself. It is about self-love and self-confidence. It is about curating and nurturing the willingness to be hang out with yourself and develop your original self. Especially in conflict we feel lonely. Everyone has a favorite track when they feel lonely. Very similar to this, think of your favorite thought or belief for yourself when you feel lonely.
The place to start is by thinking of a-
- Thought you like to think for yourself.
- A belief (a thought you have believed for a really long time) and one that serves you.
- Even stronger is sometimes a vow and works magically because it comes with a deep commitment you make to yourself to stand for no matter what
What this does is build a strong neural pathway (it’s like etching a groove in your brain). I had underestimated the power and what the focus and power of a single thought or affirmation can do to you and the transformation it can create in your life to enjoy and start loving yourself. When you practice it enough it is who you become. The author Kamal Ravikant talks about a similar practice in his book – Love yourself like your life depends on it. It is a very simple and powerful read. One knows especially in conflict that they are going to have thoughts during the day that are going to cause negative emotion. It is going to be all the little and big things that you will replay. The tendency to beat yourself up and be frustrated with yourself or with others is a thought pattern that is going to occur. However, instead of breaking it, simply allow it to there. But instead of indulging in it, create a powerful protocol, and put the thought and the steps you take, your ritual into practice. What’s the thought you like for yourself? My thought & vow has been “No matter what the situation I got my back”. Now you need to create evidence for this thought which could be your ritual. A ritual can be very simple such as journaling, it could be a gratitude list, it could be taking a walk, or hitting golf balls on the range.
We all have a powerful storyteller inside us and channeling that storyteller, loving yourself and using your fear as a navigation compass to ride solo and building self-confidence in that moment of conflict liberates us. Remember it is these very moments of conflict or pain where we have an opportunity to ride solo and enjoy our favorite tracks and double down on cultivating our original selves. Practicing and doing this on a regular basis ends up having a multiplier effect towards accomplishing our true desired goals with self-confidence.
Don’t be afraid to ride solo and play your favorite track the next time you find yourself in conflict.
Maithili Vijay Dandige
